This new life I have embarked upon has shifted my flow of energy drastically. Working with teenagers is invigorating and energizing, but it can be incredibly draining, too. I am finding my way back to a kind of equilibrium, but meanwhile I am treading gently, learning to say No again with the same sort of intentionality I learned when I had small babies. Now my days are filled brimful with words. I am on stage much of the day, putting word together into strings and strands of ideas to rush out upon the webs that connect my heart and thoughts to the hearts and thought of my students. I am listening to and reading words. Somehow, in the midst of this, I have developed again a shyness and a reticence about throwing down a poem upon the page in the mornings, to see what appears and where I can take it. I will get back to that place again. Perhaps I can begin to draw out some of the webs from my school life and work them onto this tabula rasa.
1. Seeing Chiques Rock, and the River, and the bridges, in a different light each morning. How the sun lights up the trees on the eastern horizon as I drive into morning.
2. It happens every October when the air starts to get cold, but I love the desperation of kitty snuggles at this time of year. Such purrings.
3. I am still trying to find ways to be grateful through this early morning insomnia that I have developed again. But I am truly grateful that I don’t have to fight myself to get myself out of bed these days. That would feel really miserable. Now I just need to find a way to bring 4 am a little closer to 5:30 in my body’s clock.
4. Soup and the people who make it.
5. Not being perfect. This one’s hard. I want to be super teacher. I want to be the one who always nails every lesson, every question, every challenge. I’m not that person. Sometimes my lessons fall flat. Sometimes I just don’t meet the challenges the way they need me too. I can be too easy on them, or too strict, all at the wrong times. But I think I am sufficient,and managing rather well most of the time, and as we said in the Waldorf school, I think they will learn simply from watching me strive. I still wish I were an ace, a star, a golden child. But short of that, I’ll settle for being sufficient, comfortable, and loving.
May we walk in Beauty!